“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Monday should be optional.”
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
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