“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
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