"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
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