“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Monday should be optional.”
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
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