“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
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