“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
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