“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
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