“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
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