“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
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