“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
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