"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
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