“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
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