“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
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