“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar