"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
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