“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
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