With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
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