"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
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