“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
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