"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
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