“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
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