“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
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