“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
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