"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
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