“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
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