“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
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