“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
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