A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
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