"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
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