"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
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