“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Monday should be optional.”
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
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