“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
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