“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
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