"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
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