“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
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