"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
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