“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Go to BabaMail
