“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
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