“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
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