“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
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