“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Time wounds all heels."
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
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