“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
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