Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
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