"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
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