“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
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