"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
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