"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
The temperature can only go up from here.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
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