"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
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