“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
Go to BabaMail
