“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
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