“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
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