"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
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