“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
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