“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
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