“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
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