"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
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