"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Monday should be optional.”
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
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