“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
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