"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
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