“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"Time wounds all heels."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
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