“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
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