“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
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