"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
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