“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
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