"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
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