"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
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