“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
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