“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
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