“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien