“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
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