Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
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