“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
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