"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
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