When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
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