“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
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