"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
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