“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
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