“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
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