“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
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