"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
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