"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
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