“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
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