“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
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