“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
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