Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
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