"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
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