“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
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