“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
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