“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
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