“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
The temperature can only go up from here.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
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