“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
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