“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
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