“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
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