“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
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