“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
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