"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
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