"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
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