“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
The temperature can only go up from here.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
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