“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
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