“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Time wounds all heels."
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
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