"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
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