Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
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