“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
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