"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
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