"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
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