“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
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