"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
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