“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
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