“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
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