“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
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