"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Time wounds all heels."
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
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