"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
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