“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
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