“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
The temperature can only go up from here.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
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