"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
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