"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
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