“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
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