“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
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