"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
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