“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
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