"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
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