"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
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