"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
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